category
my thoughts
Showing posts with label my thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my thoughts. Show all posts
Saturday, July 13, 2019

They say home is where the heart is.
But how do I know where my home is when my heart doesn't know where to settle?
Is it where I grew up?
or is it where I spent my happiest teenage life?
Is it where I feel the most comfortable,
or is it a person instead of a place?
Who the hell knows.





I used to dislike the city that I grew up in.
To be honest, I still do.
I dislike the narrow-minded people,
I dislike how everybody seems to know one another, despite being the fifth most populous city in Indonesia.
I dislike how judgemental the people in this city can be,
and I dislike how rude the way the people talk sometimes.
To sum it up, there's really nothing that I like about this crowded city,
except for its food.






When I was in high school, all I could think of is how the hell do I get out of this city.
How do I stay as far away from my parents?
As far away from all those judgmental people.

And that longing of moving as far away as I can go came true.
I am now five hours away by flight from that hometown of mine.
I never miss it.
My friends cried when they left their parents and their "home",
but I walk away with a smile on my face.
"Finally, I'm out", I thought.

I had the best times in this foreign country.
Far away from my mom's nagging,
far away from the unnecessary gossips,
far away from all the people that I knew my whole life.

I was so excited to meet new people
and start a new life,
a new me.

I was living my best life.

But this foreign country doesn't feel like home to me.
I always knew that I won't be staying here forever,
but I never knew where to go next.

"You are an adult now, you need to find a home", I said to myself.
But what is home?
I never found the answer to that question until five months ago.
The month was February.

I went back to my parents' house and spent the Chinese New Year with other familiar faces.
Oddly, I felt comfortable there.
But I did not feel comfortable because of the place.
I felt comfortable because I was there with my parents and my siblings.

Then, I knew that they are my home.
I used to distance myself from my parents and siblings back when I was younger.
Now, all I want to do is to be with them,
to tell my problems to my mom,
to listen to her advice,
and my youngest sister's laughter and babbling felt like home to me.





The older I get, the more I look forward to going home and spend my time with my family.
I am slowly becoming a family person.
Is this what aging and living abroad for years do to people?




So, I found my home.
And I hope you do too, someday.



A snippet of where I grew up.
Photos were taken with my Nikon Zoom 310 AF point and shoot.

In Search of Home

Sunday, November 11, 2018


Have you ever had that feeling of gratitude that a company actually wants to hire you and you got so excited about it cause this is your first full-time job ever? Yeah, it is a great feeling huh? But then once you actually took the job, your bubble was burst. You were not as excited as the first time you heard the big news; instead, you realized that this job is not for you, and you've been struggling since the day you got in and you did everything to feel better and get you through every second of being in the office, but you never succeded.

Yep, that's how I've been feeling for the past 4 months since I got employed.

So, before we got into the whole I-feel-so-shitty-everyday-I-just-want-to-quit-my-job shebang, let me fill in the gap about what is really going on with me after graduating from uni.

I graduated with an Educational Psychology and Counseling major back in June, and I got myself a job at a local travel agency in Taipei last July! You probably wonder why I took a job that is very different to my major? Well, it's because I have this stubborn tendency to stay in Taipei for another year before going back to Indonesia just cause I like it here in Taipei. Also, the companies in Taipei pay more than companies in Indonesia. "Well then why didn't you get a job in Taipei related to Psychology instead?" That's because I can't. People who graduated from my major are expected to work in school as a school counselor, and I would love to do that too someday but I can't do it here in Taiwan because I am a foreigner. So yeah, I need to take other jobs out of my field, and I chose travel agency because I thought anything related to travel might be fun. But what did I know back then right?

After I received the mail from my current company saying that they want to hire me, I have mixed feelings about this big news. First, I am of course excited and grateful that I landed a job right after graduation, and also the fact that I can make my own money and feed myself without depending on my parents made me so proud of myself (give self a pat on the back). Then, after the excitement slowly fades away, the feeling of uncertainty creeps in; uncertain of what I actually want and like to do, uncertain that choosing to stay in Taipei for another year doing something out of my field instead of pursuing something Psychology related is the right decision. And finally, the feeling of sadness got to me. Sad that I couldn't have the privilege to enjoy seasonal breaks anymore, sad that I have to end my status as a student and enjoy the student dicounts, also sad that I only have like 2-3 weeks of freedom left before becoming a full time employee for god knows how long.

To conclude, you could safely say that there are more sadness than happiness upon hearing the news.

On the first week of starting the job, I was sad because my family and boyfriend had to go back home and I am stuck here. Also, I felt kind of homesick. (Not a great way to start your first job, huh?) But I eventually got through it. With the help of my friendly colleagues in the office, I managed to suck it up and actually enjoy my working days.... well only for a few weeks. Until about a month ago, I realized how much I dislike this job (was intending to say 'hate' but hate is a strong word and I don't want to make this job sounds so bad, so.) and I wanted nothing else but to quit and pursuing what I love most, that is Psychology. You might say "well, quit then! what are you waiting for?". I hope my situation is as easy as that, but no. I am stuck here in Taiwan until June 2019 because I had a contract for the house that I'm currently staying in. If I was to live by myself, I could easily just break the contract and pay more money to cover it up but I can't do that since I'm living with two more friends. I couldn't just dump them and go back to Indonesia or somewhere else and let the both of them paying the rent of three people, it's just unfair to them. "So I can't get out of this country until next year, what can I do to make myself feel better then?", I thought. "Why not quit your current job and find a new one?", I said to myself. "Yeah, you could do that but what about your visa? You do not have working visa yet, and your current visa expires this December. You should at least get the working visa first then bolt", I reminded myself.  Yes, that would be the perfect decision to make, but how could I do that to my team mate who wanted to quit first? He had been talking about quitting since I got in and since our team is only consists of three people, I couldn't quit knowing that he derserves it more that I am. If I quit first, then he couldn't, and it's not fair for him. So what can I do then? "Well, you could just suck it up and wait until June 2019."

There folks, that's my story of how I wanted to quit so bad but couldn't find the right time to do it. Pathetic, huh? If I were to go back in time and chose between staying in Taipei for another year or go back to Indonesia to pursue my master in Psychology, I would choose Psychology more than anything. But the sad news is that I couldn't go back in time and I am stuck in this shitty situation. I know I complain too much. People be like "she should be grateful instead that she already got a job" but I can be selfish too sometimes right? I deserve better. I deserve to make myself happy, and if by being happy I need to be selfish, then the hell to that.



I have been feeling super unmotivated lately to the point that I feel like I have no purpose in waking up anymore. Starting a new day don't excite me like it used to, and I found myself counting the days to weekends and dreads Sunday nights knowing that the next day is Monday. I just really do not enjoy the life I'm living right now. I kept scrolling through pinterest to find the motivational quotes that used to pump me up and get me going, but now, reading those quotes don't even help no more. Nevertheless, I still find the quote "Before Alice got to Wonderland, she had to fall" very intriguing as I imagined myself falling right now only to be in my own Wonderland soon. (hopefully, fingers crossed). I just need to have positive thoughts while I'm falling right? Right. Also, how accurate the quote above "growth is painful, change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong" is to my situation right now?? I've been feeling stuck for a while now and I just really want to make a change from my current situation. I did try a few stuff that people said to be helpful when you are feeling in a rut, like saying "yes" more, go meet new people, go out often, etc. But none of that helps, in fact, they give me more anxiety, especially the saying "yes" more. I tried to say "yes" more often when my colleague asked me if I wanted to hang out with them and their friends (who are strangers to me) on weekends, and making that decision was a mistake. I didn't enjoy the time I'm out with them and I just couldn't help but feel awkward. I guess I need to come out with a few of my own ways to get out of a rut.

What do you guys usually do when you feel stuck? I would really love to get a few advice from you guys. xx

Life Update 002: Life after Uni

Thursday, May 31, 2018


"Hey, are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine"
"You look tired though, I bet you've had a busy day, huh?"
"Nah, I'm not busy. I'm okay"
"Really? you even sound tired."
"I'm fine, really."

It's those days, when all you want to do is lie on your bed and stare at the ceiling, without thinking about anything in particular. You've lost the motivation to do your assignments (not that I've ever been excited to do any assignment), you've lost your appetite, and you've lost the sense of living. You just don't know what to do in your life, and at this point, you don't really give a shit about life. All you want to do is feel something, anything. Be it happiness, sadness, anxious, excitement, etc; but instead, you feel numbness and emptiness.

There's no warning to feel this way, it just comes right at you. There's no sign of warning, telling you to beware because you're gonna feel like shit for a few days, nope, na-da. You just wake up one day and you feel nothing. You keep asking yourself "how the hell did this happen? I was doing fine just yesterday, how do I feel completely different today? What did I do to myself?" And I'm sorry to tell you that there's no answer to such question. You'll never know why you could feel the way you feel right now, and you won't know what to do to fill the void. You tried watching your favorite shows, your favorite youtube videos, and you still feel empty. Then you tried to eat something that you like, something tasty although it cost you a lil bit of money, but still, nothing changes. And you thought maybe writing it down would ease the feeling a little because it worked before, but not this time. It just won't go away.

It's driving you crazy. You are supposed to be doing your long overdue reports and assignments, but you can't do that because that empty feeling keeps creeping in and asking for your attention. You force yourself to start doing something, but you end up giving in to the numbness and did nothing. You keep asking yourself when this will end, when will it go away? and it replies to your question saying, "not so soon, honey. You are gonna be stuck with me for a while."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been feeling so empty these past few days and I think I'm going crazy soon. Have you ever felt this way before? and if you have, what did you do to pull yourself out of this misery? I need help.

I wake up, and I feel empty

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

We all have that first experiences that we will never forget, be it the first kiss, first party, first-time bungee jumping, etc. First experiences can be thrilling, fun, crazy or even scary, but one thing that I know for sure that first experiences gave you unforgettable memories that maybe, one day you will pass those memories on to your kids as their bedtime story. Thinking back to those experiences definitely give you a nostalgic feel, and I am all about being nostalgic today. So, today's post is dedicated to all those first times that I experienced after I moved to Taiwan.

Living in Taiwan for almost four years now gave me lots of freedom that I never had before. Back at home, my parents didn't really like the idea of me sleeping over at a friend's house or even coming home late on weekends. I used to think of how unfair for them to treat me like a little kid; other teenagers get to have sleepovers and hanging out with friends until midnight on weekends, so why can't I? I used to feel so restricted that I want to get out of my parents' sights and be free from their rules asap. Coming to Taiwan definitely gives me just what I want——freedom. I'm miles away from my parents now and nobody here can tell me what to do. I am my own responsibility and I like the feeling of that. So, I use this opportunity to do some crazy stuff, and of course, I have a few experiences that I regret doing, but like what I said before, they are all memorable.
Here goes the list of my first-time experiences in Taiwan:

P.S. I am not a rebel, I'm just living my life.

1. My first clubbing experience.

When I first heard that our ue with me. It's not your typical Saturday night party though. The party was held on ni's students organization is throwing a party at a club, I didn't even hesitate to sign up and persuade my friend to coma Tuesday night, started at 7 p.m. and ended at 10 p.m. (what?! Clubbing on a school's night?) It does sound legit but at the same time, kinda weird cause who starts a party at 7p.m. right? But as a freshman, you can never say no to school parties, cause where else can you check out the school's hotties? (I swear I'm not that desperate, am just stating a fact lol) So, I went there, had a couple of drinks, danced my heart out, jaw dropped from watching men and women strippers performing, then went home feeling good. The thing about clubbing is, I didn't go there to check out hotties, or to get drunk, but I go to clubs to dance my heart out and free my soul (especially after the crazy finals and midterms).

2. First (and most definitely my last) time sleeping in a McDonald's.
This is one of the experiences that I would never ever do again. I never thought that I'd sleep in a McD but I did, and it's not a pleasant experience. I only did this because a friend of mine came all the way to Taipei to celebrate my birthday, and he didn't book a motel to stay for the night so he casually told me that he's going to sleep in the McDonald's. Since he came all the way to celebrate my birthday, I thought it would be rude to just leave him to sleep in the McD all alone, so my friend and I decided that we will accompany my guy friend and stayed overnight in a 24-hours McD. I can't even sleep that night, it's just super uncomfortable and cold, I don't think any of us get a good sleep that night, it's just impossible. When it's finally morning, my friend left for the bus station, and I went back to my dorm and slept the whole morning on my cozy bed.

3. Went to work right after partying (in a tipsy condition)
This is also one of the experiences that I'd never do again lol. So it was my birthday earlier this May, and I thought that it'd be a nice way to celebrate my 21st birthday with my friends in a club. I actually have a 9 a.m. shift the morning after, and I thought that I'd just drink a couple shots and won't touch the drinks anymore. Apparently, I was wrong. My friends kept pushing me and asked me to drink up cause it was my birthday, and I kept refusing but drank it anyway. I don't even know how many shots I've drunk, all I know is that my head is spinning like crazy and I vomited twice that night. It was a crazy night alright, I had so much fun with my friends but the day after that, it's a catastrophe. I went back to a friend's house, cause she lives near the club and slept for like 3 hours before I had to force myself to get up to wash my face, brush my teeth, and put on my clothes in a tipsy condition. I then hopped on a taxi and went to work. I surprisingly managed to stay for the whole 6 hours at work with a constant visit to the bathroom to puke lol. I went home right after work and slept through the whole remaining day.

4. First-time going to a summer music festival and almost fainted.




This experience started out fun but ended tragically lol. I actually went to the Road To Ultra Music Festival for two years. On my first year, I enjoyed it very much and because it's my first music festival, I got so excited to dance the whole day but also ended up with sore legs. On the second year, this is where the "fun" takes place haha. I was as excited as last year's ultra because this year I came with more friends and they're all so fun to hang with. The only downside I had that day is me almost fainting. We stood quite near to the DJs' stage and it was summer time (obviously), it got super hot especially when they put up the fire thingy, and that's when my vision went blank. I couldn't see my surroundings, everything went white, I could only hear things. I started panicking and luckily one of my friends saw my super pale face and pulled me out of the crowd immediately. On my way out, I held on to my friend's hand so tight that if I ever let go, I would fall down right away. That is the last time I ever went to the festival. Although they got a nice line-up of DJs this year, I'm not going back to that place and faint for the second time no more. It's safe to say that I've learned my lesson lol.

5. First-time traveling abroad with my own earned money
This one is the proudest thing that I've ever done in my whole 21 years of living. Last year, I use my own earned money to travel to Macau and boy never have I ever be so proud of myself. Right now, I'm currently saving up for my UK trip which will be in February 2018, can't wait until Feb. The thing about traveling with your own money is the satisfaction that it gives you. I felt so satisfied that I get to spend my own money on myself but also sad at the same time cause saving up takes me a lot of effort and time, but it takes me only a few days of travel to spend all of my saved money. It's like all the efforts that I gave up for weeks are gone just in one click (yknow?)

6. First-time working part-time.
I started working part-time on my second semester of freshman year. The reason why I started working part-time was that I wanted to get out of the uni's dorm and find a flat with my friend to stay, but my parents didn't agree to let me find a flat outside, cause they thought it was dangerous for two girls to live on their own. So I ended up working part-time to save up for my travels.

7. Going to concerts.
Going to concerts have always been my dream since I was in high school. I've always wanted to see my favorite singers or band live on stage, and I've finally done it. My first concert was Imagine Dragons' and gosh, they are amazing!! No words can describe how good they are performing live. They are actually coming to Taipei on the upcoming 15th January, but I'm not going cause gotta save up for the UK trip, and I've already bought Bruno Mars' concert ticket anyway.

Also, can I just use this opportunity to express my disappointment that Ed Sheeran canceled some of his Asia’s tour? I was so excited that he is finally going to come but then he broke my heart with the broken hand news :( Couldn't blame him though. I just wish that he could postpone the date instead of entirely canceling it. Anyways, happy that he's finally recovering.




8. First-time being active in a students' organization.
I'm so proud to be a member of PERPITA (an organization that consists of Indonesian students studying in Taiwan). The reason I joined this organization was to find friends. As I said before on this post, where I talk about my desperation to make Indonesian friends on my freshman year, I decided to be a crew of this organization with the hope to find more friends. But that's not the only reason on why I wanted to join the organization, the other reason is due to my lack participation on clubs at uni and back in high school. I wanted to try new things and wanting to challenge myself to work with people, I never get the chance to work in groups for a long period of time, and I want to know how that feels——to work with a team, to make conncections with all 19 people in the organization, and to manage events.

That's all for my first-time experiences. What's your most memorobale first-time experience that you regretted doing, or maybe the one that is most unforgettable?

My First Times

Tuesday, November 28, 2017


This post is inspired by Jenn Im's video, where she talks about her three features that she likes and another three features that she doesn't like. I thought that this is an excellent topic that contains a message, saying that nobody is perfect and that everyone has their own insecurities about their bodies. This topic emphasizes the importance to accept and embrace our flaws because ain't nobody will love your body if you do not love it yourself. But, instead of just pointing out our flaws, it is very important to point out the good side of ourselves too. We've got to balance out the negatives with the positives, right?

So, here are my three features that I am not a fan with:
 My noseGrowing up as an Asian, some of you probably may relate to having a flat nose. Well, mine's not that flat but still, it's not as pretty as Taylor Swift's nose. I always think that God is so unfair to give the Westerners better noses than the Asians, but maybe He has his own reasons, right? 

My ears; This body part of mine is my worst insecurity. My ears are so big that my hair couldn't cover the whole area of it. It annoys me very much, especially when I'm about to put my hair up on a bun or a ponytail, they are so visible that when you first look at my face, they are the first thing that you'll notice. Well, I don't get so many comments about my big ears, only two or three people who actually notice how big they are, but they still make me feel very insecure. Fun fact: I first noticed those big ears when I was in my third year of primary school, and I went to a salon to have my hair straightened. The lady who did my hair was the first one to tell me that my ears are so big, the hair couldn't cover my whole ears.

My height; I am a petite girl. I'm only 5'1 (156cm) and it annoys me everytime someone asks me if I'm a secondary student. My petite body makes me looks so much younger that sometimes I'm not sure if this is a pro or a con for me. I guess the reason why I'm irritated about my petite body is that some people won't take me seriously. Also, no jeans can fit me perfectly! I'll always have to get them tailored and cut a few inches down. And when I saw a maxi dress in an online shop that intrigued me, because I know it will be too long for me. Oh, the struggles!

Now, enough with the negatives. Let's move on to the positives!
Here are a few of my features that I love:
My eyebrows; I love love love my eyebrows! I don't have to shape or draw them because they are perfect just the way they are. The only thing that I should do is to trim them. I always get compliments on how thick and well-shaped my brows are and those compliments always made my day.

Eyelashes; I know it's quite rare for Asians, especially Chinese to have long eyelashes, but fortunately, I'm given just that. They obviously are not as long as the Westerners, but I'm happy with what I have. Although they are long, they go down like an umbrella, lol. All I need is a great eyelash curler and mascara to fix them sad looking eyelashes.

Lip; my lip may not be as full as Angeline Jolie's or Kylie Jenner's but I love it the way it is. I'm not sure what is so special about my lips that I love it so much, I guess it just looks pinkish and full naturally. My lip is my confidence booster. When I don't feel like putting makeup on, I usually just find a great neutral colored lipstick and I'm good to go!

So, yeah. I've just told you about my features that I like and dislikes. I'm taking a huge leap of faith here, trusting you guys not to judge me, whatsoever. I guess it is fair that I read a little about you guys' perfect imperfections? Feel free to leave a comment down there, xx.


My Perfect Imperfections

Saturday, November 4, 2017


Have you ever feel like putting all of your work to the side and just lie down on your bed while watching your favorite shows? That’s what I’ve been feeling these past few days. I tried not to complain because I chose this kind of life myself. You just can’t run around telling people how exhausted you are with your current situation when all of this happened because of your own doing. But I couldn’t bear it. I had to tell someone, or else I’ll burst out crying like a maniac because I really can’t take it anymore.

There are times when you think you are strong enough to cope with everything that life throws at you, but in reality, you’re not as strong as what you think. You are a human after all; you are bound to break when you’ve finally reached your limit. I tried to convince myself that I can do it, as long as I stayed organized, I can do everything well. But how wrong was I thinking that I can bear all these responsibilities. I think it is safe to admit that I’m not a strong person. I tried to be, but I am just not. How I wish I could just shout and tell everyone that I can’t do it anymore, I need some rest. I would wake up every morning thinking how many hours do I have to pass to get back to sleep again, in spite of being grateful that I get to wake up and live another day.

You may be wondering why push yourself so hard? Honestly, I am asking that myself too. Why work so hard? I do have the reason why, but I can’t help it and have doubts in my head sometimes telling me that all these hard work is a waste. I should’ve enjoyed my last year as a college student out and about with my friends before jumping to the adult life and not having more summer/winter breaks but instead, here I am writing to you while I’m working on a fine windy Sunday. I’d tried to motivate myself by reading motivational quotes on pinterest, like “Everything you do now is for your future” or “I work hard because I like expensive things”. They do work to get me work harder without complaining for like two weeks, then I’m back to the me who can’t stop thinking about how working this hard for someone else is stupid. I keep on wondering if this hard work will be worthwhile or I’ll just end up regretting ever working this hard for nothing. It is the kind of doubt that you have when you are still so far away from the success that it makes you wonder if all this will have a happy ending. Will I regret this or will I be proud of my hard work? I guess I’ll just wait and see.

Rant of the week

Thursday, October 5, 2017

photo by caleb woods from unsplash

I can't believe that I'm finally in my last year of uni. Since my freshman year, I've always avoided the thought of graduating from university because I never want that to happen. Though piles of presentations and assignments often stress me out, I was never eager to leave university. The thought of leaving university, leaving Taiwan, not having any summer and winter breaks scare me much more than having to talk in front of the class for thirty minutes. Also, graduating is another step of becoming an adult which scares the hell out of me too.

People said being in university is the best years of your life, and I couldn't agree more. Maybe not for you, but for me, those years are definitely my best years from my 21 years of living. Coming to Taiwan, being far away from home and family is the best decision I've ever made, never have I regret coming to Taiwan to further my study. But that doesn't mean that I never cry my eyes out at night because I felt lonely. It's not surprising that people can get lonely sometimes in university. In fact, feeling lonely in university is a common case that students face these days. Although studying abroad may sound fun, but adapting on the first year of being in a foreign country can be very hard for most people. It took me almost a year to finally get used to hearing lectures in Mandarin, making conversations with the local students and living in a shared room with five other strangers. I remembered I was so desperate to talk to someone from my own country that when I heard an Indonesian student is living in the next room, I didn't even think twice to knock on her door and introduce myself. So yeah, my freshman year's struggles are making friends with the Taiwanese, reading books in Mandarin, and listening to lectures in Mandarin. But once you've settled in and adapt quite well to the new environment, the remaining days are a lot easier to pass by.

Then came sophomore year. I was a member of an Indonesian Students Organization back in sophomore year. Joining this organization sure made my sophomore year a lot more fun, and the perk of joining this organization is I get to know more Indonesian students who are studying in Taiwan too. This is one my of my way to meet new people and socialize. I think everyone should at least join a club or an organization in their uni life. Participating in an organization or club does not bring any bad for you, it only brings more happiness and opportunities to networking, oh and it also looks good on your CV!

Next is junior year. Junior year was okay for me. Most of my junior year was spent with classes, counseling practices, part-time job, and volunteer work. Since I'm studying psychology, I decided to try and volunteer as a school counselor in a junior high school, just a small preparation to help get my mind ready for the real deal after uni.

Finally, it's senior year! I just got back to uni for a month now but it's been a hectic one month. I need to balance out work, class, internship, and social life. This is the year to test my time management skill. Most of the time, I sacrifice my social life for work because I'm currently saving up for a UK trip in February (yay!). When you're in your last year of uni, you usually get asked the one question, that is: "what are you gonna do after graduating?" and my answer to that is usually: "who the hell knows". Seriously. I'm lost. Well, not entirely. I have a few plans in my head but it's hard to get it come to reality in the meantime, so I'm just gonna let it stay inside my head first.

Freshman to Senior Year

Wednesday, September 6, 2017


Anyone who has had a long distance relationship probably can relate to this statement: long distance relationship sucks. For those who disagree, well I can't blame you on that, everybody has different opinions about this topic.

Now, let's talk about why I think long distance relationship sucks. Firstly, you can't touch each other whenever you want, especially when you're having a bad day. I am a hugger, I love to squish my boyfriend whenever and wherever. The times that I'm likely to need his hug is when I'm having a bad day, but I can't hug him if he's miles away from me. Secondly, I hate goodbyes; I hate saying goodbye, and I hate people saying goodbyes to me. It's just so sad, don't you think? Goodbyes have never been good to me. Whenever I say goodbye, I'll always end up losing contact with that person or we are never as close as day one anymore. So, for those who hate goodbyes as much as I do, long distance relationship is not for you because you'll struggle on every goodbye, you'll never learn to get used to it. Before I started long distance relationship, I thought by having so many goodbyes that I'll get used to it, but boy was I wrong. I'll be miserable for days and cry a river whenever it's time for him or me to leave. Thirdly, thinking about the future of us together kills me. Now that I'm in my last year of university, we constantly discuss about life after uni, like where I should apply for a job so that we can be as near as possible with each other, or if I'm going to continue my study near him. It kills me that knowing I want to do the things that he wished I wouldn't do, like staying in Taiwan for a few years after uni, while he's in the UK for his master degree. We're still in the state of figuring out what's best for our future and sometimes it's just so stressful that I think of giving up. Lastly, arguing through skype is not fun. Some people may think that skype is the answer to long distance relationship, but it's not that simple guys. Talking is fine, but arguing through skype? It's a big no no. They may just end the call before you finish your argument and you probably won't hear from them for a week, and it may kill you. Silence treatment is the worst. So yeah, those are the main reasons why I think long distance relationship sucks, but there are always pros and cons to everything.

Next, I'm going to talk about the pros of long distance relationship (although there are more cons than pros, but let's be positive now guys).
1. You have more time for yourself. You know when some people get so busy being with their boyfriend that they don't have time for themselves? Well, you need not worry about having no time for yourself because that's all you have.
2. You won't lose friendships. You won't be that kind of people who abandon their friends because they only have time for their boyfriends/girlfriends.
3. You get to travel. If your partner is thousand of miles away from you, you'll get the chance to travel to his/her place.

Goodbye may be hard, but it sure has its pros to it. So if you're struggling through long distance relationship like I am, know that you're not alone and we can get through this like every other ldr couples who succeeded in ldr.
Follow my blog with Bloglovin

About Long Distance Relastionship

Friday, August 11, 2017


Since I was a kid (about 5 y/o), I've always been that shy girl who was afraid to get her bike back from a boy who borrowed it from her. I remember so clearly that evening when me and my younger sister were cycling around a small park near our house,  a boy came up to me and asked if he could lend my bike for a few minutes. Apparently, his "a few minutes" lasted too long that I grew out of my patience and wanted my bike back. BUT, I was afraid to get it back from him. That is how shy and stupid I was, still am now, sometimes. Then, my brave younger sister couldn't stand watching being stupid and cowardly, so she walked up to the boy and asked my bike back from him. Yep, I let my younger sister who is 2 years younger from me to get my bike back from a boy.

Sadly, that shy part of me still exists till now and sometimes I feel stupid for being so shy. Whenever I want to ask questions, I'd overthink too much and ended up not asking. I'd rethink the question in my head over and over again just to make sure that I didn't say it out wrong. You may think, "but Angeline, there is no right and wrong in a question, so why hesitate?" What I hesitated was the relevance of the question. I was too afraid that if I ask an irrelevant question, I'd be laughed at by the whole class and it terrifies me. Asking questions gives me anxiety. I'm not even kidding. My heart would beat so fast whenever I want to answer or even just to ask questions. Weird, I know. But I couldn't help it, I can't control how fast my heart should beat.

This issue that I have, I've just recently realized it and it bothers me so much. Lately, I've been challenging myself to speak up more and try to ignore that crazy heart beats and hoping that someday, the mini anxiety attack will just disappear. It's not an easy process for me. It's very hard but hey, at least I'm trying right? I envy those people who can be so carefree and just talk it out, say whatever is on their mind without having a mini heart attack.


This issue of mine does not bring any good for me. Despite asking questions, I'm also afraid to defend myself. Whenever someone says something bad about me, I'm too scared to speak up my mind and explain to them. Instead, I just stand there quietly and let them think badly of me. For someone who is too terrified to speak up her mind, I advise all of you to do otherwise. Don't just sit quietly and obey everything. Speak up and rebel. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not asking you guys to rebel like a reckless and irresponsible teenager, but to rebel and defend yourself for a good cause. When you think that you're right, speak up and tell them whatever it is that you're thinking. Say it out loud and explain to them. Don't just let those thoughts stay in your mind. I'm trying to be a better person here and if you have the same issue as me, do yourself a favor and try to speak up.


About Speaking Up

Wednesday, August 2, 2017


21. The year of adulting. When you get into the big two-oh, parents and people, in general, expect you to act like an adult. Seeing that you'll be graduating from university soon (that if you attend uni), you should know what every adult knows, and it can be overwhelming sometimes and I'm still struggling through this phase of becoming a new adult.

Anyways, here's my list of 21 things that I've learned in 21 years.

  1. Always put family first.
  2. Love your body, embrace your every flaw.
  3. Never be afraid to step out of your comfort zone.
  4. Speak up.
  5. Work hard and play hard.
  6. Fast fashion is a waste of your time and money.
  7. Maintaining an Instagram feed is also a waste of your time.
  8. Exercise is very important.
  9. Never limit yourself to eat (but you have to exercise after eating).
  10. Read news and know more about what's happening in the world.
  11. Spotify premium is not a waste of your money if it calms your soul.
  12. Read more books (all kinds of books).
  13. Get enough sleep.
  14. Waking up early is the first step to having a productive day.
  15. Stop paying too much attention to what people say or think about you.
  16. Believe in yourself.
  17. Know that everybody has their own weaknesses.
  18. Empathize. Empathize. Empathize.
  19. Stop procrastinating (at least try to)!
  20. Keep a journal.
  21. Make more good memories with your loved ones.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

21 Things I've Learned in 21 Years