Rant of the week

Have you ever feel like putting all of your work to the side and just lie down on your bed while watching your favorite shows? That’s what I’ve been feeling these past few days. I tried not to complain because I chose this kind of life myself. You just can’t run around telling people how exhausted you are with your current situation when all of this happened because of your own doing. But I couldn’t bear it. I had to tell someone, or else I’ll burst out crying like a maniac because I really can’t take it anymore.

There are times when you think you are strong enough to cope with everything that life throws at you, but in reality, you’re not as strong as what you think. You are a human after all; you are bound to break when you’ve finally reached your limit. I tried to convince myself that I can do it, as long as I stayed organized, I can do everything well. But how wrong was I thinking that I can bear all these responsibilities. I think it is safe to admit that I’m not a strong person. I tried to be, but I am just not. How I wish I could just shout and tell everyone that I can’t do it anymore, I need some rest. I would wake up every morning thinking how many hours do I have to pass to get back to sleep again, in spite of being grateful that I get to wake up and live another day.

You may be wondering why push yourself so hard? Honestly, I am asking that myself too. Why work so hard? I do have the reason why, but I can’t help it and have doubts in my head sometimes telling me that all these hard work is a waste. I should’ve enjoyed my last year as a college student out and about with my friends before jumping to the adult life and not having more summer/winter breaks but instead, here I am writing to you while I’m working on a fine windy Sunday. I’d tried to motivate myself by reading motivational quotes on pinterest, like “Everything you do now is for your future” or “I work hard because I like expensive things”. They do work to get me work harder without complaining for like two weeks, then I’m back to the me who can’t stop thinking about how working this hard for someone else is stupid. I keep on wondering if this hard work will be worthwhile or I’ll just end up regretting ever working this hard for nothing. It is the kind of doubt that you have when you are still so far away from the success that it makes you wonder if all this will have a happy ending. Will I regret this or will I be proud of my hard work? I guess I’ll just wait and see.