Have you ever had that feeling of gratitude that a company actually wants to hire you and you got so excited about it cause this is your first full-time job ever? Yeah, it is a great feeling huh? But then once you actually took the job, your bubble was burst. You were not as excited as the first time you heard the big news; instead, you realized that this job is not for you, and you've been struggling since the day you got in and you did everything to feel better and get you through every second of being in the office, but you never succeded.
Yep, that's how I've been feeling for the past 4 months since I got employed.
So, before we got into the whole I-feel-so-shitty-everyday-I-just-want-to-quit-my-job shebang, let me fill in the gap about what is really going on with me after graduating from uni.
I graduated with an Educational Psychology and Counseling major back in June, and I got myself a job at a local travel agency in Taipei last July! You probably wonder why I took a job that is very different to my major? Well, it's because I have this stubborn tendency to stay in Taipei for another year before going back to Indonesia just cause I like it here in Taipei. Also, the companies in Taipei pay more than companies in Indonesia. "Well then why didn't you get a job in Taipei related to Psychology instead?" That's because I can't. People who graduated from my major are expected to work in school as a school counselor, and I would love to do that too someday but I can't do it here in Taiwan because I am a foreigner. So yeah, I need to take other jobs out of my field, and I chose travel agency because I thought anything related to travel might be fun. But what did I know back then right?
After I received the mail from my current company saying that they want to hire me, I have mixed feelings about this big news. First, I am of course excited and grateful that I landed a job right after graduation, and also the fact that I can make my own money and feed myself without depending on my parents made me so proud of myself (give self a pat on the back). Then, after the excitement slowly fades away, the feeling of uncertainty creeps in; uncertain of what I actually want and like to do, uncertain that choosing to stay in Taipei for another year doing something out of my field instead of pursuing something Psychology related is the right decision. And finally, the feeling of sadness got to me. Sad that I couldn't have the privilege to enjoy seasonal breaks anymore, sad that I have to end my status as a student and enjoy the student dicounts, also sad that I only have like 2-3 weeks of freedom left before becoming a full time employee for god knows how long.
To conclude, you could safely say that there are more sadness than happiness upon hearing the news.
On the first week of starting the job, I was sad because my family and boyfriend had to go back home and I am stuck here. Also, I felt kind of homesick. (Not a great way to start your first job, huh?) But I eventually got through it. With the help of my friendly colleagues in the office, I managed to suck it up and actually enjoy my working days.... well only for a few weeks. Until about a month ago, I realized how much I dislike this job (was intending to say 'hate' but hate is a strong word and I don't want to make this job sounds so bad, so.) and I wanted nothing else but to quit and pursuing what I love most, that is Psychology. You might say "well, quit then! what are you waiting for?". I hope my situation is as easy as that, but no. I am stuck here in Taiwan until June 2019 because I had a contract for the house that I'm currently staying in. If I was to live by myself, I could easily just break the contract and pay more money to cover it up but I can't do that since I'm living with two more friends. I couldn't just dump them and go back to Indonesia or somewhere else and let the both of them paying the rent of three people, it's just unfair to them. "So I can't get out of this country until next year, what can I do to make myself feel better then?", I thought. "Why not quit your current job and find a new one?", I said to myself. "Yeah, you could do that but what about your visa? You do not have working visa yet, and your current visa expires this December. You should at least get the working visa first then bolt", I reminded myself. Yes, that would be the perfect decision to make, but how could I do that to my team mate who wanted to quit first? He had been talking about quitting since I got in and since our team is only consists of three people, I couldn't quit knowing that he derserves it more that I am. If I quit first, then he couldn't, and it's not fair for him. So what can I do then? "Well, you could just suck it up and wait until June 2019."
There folks, that's my story of how I wanted to quit so bad but couldn't find the right time to do it. Pathetic, huh? If I were to go back in time and chose between staying in Taipei for another year or go back to Indonesia to pursue my master in Psychology, I would choose Psychology more than anything. But the sad news is that I couldn't go back in time and I am stuck in this shitty situation. I know I complain too much. People be like "she should be grateful instead that she already got a job" but I can be selfish too sometimes right? I deserve better. I deserve to make myself happy, and if by being happy I need to be selfish, then the hell to that.
I have been feeling super unmotivated lately to the point that I feel like I have no purpose in waking up anymore. Starting a new day don't excite me like it used to, and I found myself counting the days to weekends and dreads Sunday nights knowing that the next day is Monday. I just really do not enjoy the life I'm living right now. I kept scrolling through pinterest to find the motivational quotes that used to pump me up and get me going, but now, reading those quotes don't even help no more. Nevertheless, I still find the quote "Before Alice got to Wonderland, she had to fall" very intriguing as I imagined myself falling right now only to be in my own Wonderland soon. (hopefully, fingers crossed). I just need to have positive thoughts while I'm falling right? Right. Also, how accurate the quote above "growth is painful, change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong" is to my situation right now?? I've been feeling stuck for a while now and I just really want to make a change from my current situation. I did try a few stuff that people said to be helpful when you are feeling in a rut, like saying "yes" more, go meet new people, go out often, etc. But none of that helps, in fact, they give me more anxiety, especially the saying "yes" more. I tried to say "yes" more often when my colleague asked me if I wanted to hang out with them and their friends (who are strangers to me) on weekends, and making that decision was a mistake. I didn't enjoy the time I'm out with them and I just couldn't help but feel awkward. I guess I need to come out with a few of my own ways to get out of a rut.
What do you guys usually do when you feel stuck? I would really love to get a few advice from you guys. xx
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