Sunday, August 18, 2019

All Photos were taken on my Nikon Zoom 310 AF with Ilford HP5 Plus 400
Friday, August 9, 2019

Two weeks. 2 more weeks and I'm leaving Taiwan for good.
"This is the right thing to do." I tried to convince myself.
But is it? Is it really the right thing to do? This question keeps popping in my head and I try to calm myself down and remind myself that only by leaving can I really pursue the career that I want.

But I can't help thinking about everything that could go wrong by moving back to Indonesia. For example, leaving my closest friends that I have made here (although most of them are leaving too, but still, the thought of not seeing one another for a long time kind of saddens me); the traffic that I will face every damn day; the comfort of Taiwan's 7-11 and Family Mart (although Indonesia has its own convenience store, but nothing that beat how convenient Taiwan's 7-11s are); the cheap unlimited internet access (sure, Indonesia also has unlimited internet access, but it's expensive af, and the signal is not even that good. Indonesia's internet is kind of slow compares to Taiwan's); the safety of Taiwan's streets (I can walk around at midnight all alone without feeling paranoid). Although all the stuff that I mentioned above sound like stupid and irrelevant problems to some people, but it's kind of important to me. And I'm sad that I'm leaving all those comforts behind.

However, other than all those concerns, I too have a few things to be excited about to go back. It's all bitter and sweet really. There are pros and cons in everything and I believe that there are more pros to this decision that I made (hopefully).

The things that I'm most excited about is Indonesia itself. I can't wait to travel around Indonesia, to see the beautiful beaches that 'she' offers. I am also excited to start the career path that I've been wanting to pursue since I graduated from uni; going back to school (although it sounds scary too), and just work in the field that I'm passionate about.

Also, I'm excited and scared at the same time to not be in a long-distance relationship anymore. The boyfriend is moving back too and we'll be in the same city (eek). You know that feeling when you've been in a long-distance relationship for so long and then suddenly, you're living only a few kilometers away? (No? Is it just me then?) That's scary for me. I mean I'm happy for sure that we get to see each other more often, but what if we take each other for granted now that it's easier for us to meet each other? 
Anyways, if that does happen, it's a problem to solve in the future, not now.

One other thing about moving back to Indonesia is making new friends and adapting to the environment again. I know some people might ask "why is that such a problem to you? You were born and raised in Indonesia." That's true, but I'm not actually moving back to my hometown, I'm going to be living in another city (hopefully the J-town) and that means I have to start over from the beginning. I know no one in that foreign city and the people are generally just different from the people in my hometown. Although I've done this before (moving to Taiwan 5 years ago and making new friends and all) but this time feels very different from what I felt when I first moved to Taiwan for uni. All I felt when I moved to Taiwan 5 years ago is excitement. I was so excited to be away from home and meet new people; I was very excited about the new opportunities to come. But today? The fright is bigger than the excitement.

But for now, my biggest problem yet.... is moving. The process of moving.
I have been living in Taiwan for almost 5 years now and the things that I bought these past few years are not little. I did ask my parents to bring my winter essentials back home when they came to visit in May, but I still got other small-not-so-important-stuff-that-I-bought-or-received-that-I-kept-just-for-sentimental-purposes.
Moving is a nightmare. It's like packing for a holiday but bigger and more troublesome. I've been hating packing for a holiday and now I have to pack to move across the country. It's a freaking nightmare.

It's too late to back down anyways... So I just got to do what I got to do and suck it all up.
Keep convincing myself that everything will be okay and I will be happier back home.
I pray that everything goes well and that I can adapt just as well in the new city.

Cheers to a better future! xx

Saturday, July 13, 2019

Had a little stroll around one of the "it"  university in Taiwan.

All photos were taken by my Yashica Electro 35 GX with Kodak Ektar 100

They say home is where the heart is.
But how do I know where my home is when my heart doesn't know where to settle?
Is it where I grew up?
or is it where I spent my happiest teenage life?
Is it where I feel the most comfortable,
or is it a person instead of a place?
Who the hell knows.

I used to dislike the city that I grew up in.
To be honest, I still do.
I dislike the narrow-minded people,
I dislike how everybody seems to know one another, despite being the fifth most populous city in Indonesia.
I dislike how judgemental the people in this city can be,
and I dislike how rude the way the people talk sometimes.
To sum it up, there's really nothing that I like about this crowded city,
except for its food.

When I was in high school, all I could think of is how the hell do I get out of this city.
How do I stay as far away from my parents?
As far away from all those judgmental people.

And that longing of moving as far away as I can go came true.
I am now five hours away by flight from that hometown of mine.
I never miss it.
My friends cried when they left their parents and their "home",
but I walk away with a smile on my face.
"Finally, I'm out", I thought.

I had the best times in this foreign country.
Far away from my mom's nagging,
far away from the unnecessary gossips,
far away from all the people that I knew my whole life.

I was so excited to meet new people
and start a new life,
a new me.

I was living my best life.

But this foreign country doesn't feel like home to me.
I always knew that I won't be staying here forever,
but I never knew where to go next.

"You are an adult now, you need to find a home", I said to myself.
But what is home?
I never found the answer to that question until five months ago.
The month was February.

I went back to my parents' house and spent the Chinese New Year with other familiar faces.
Oddly, I felt comfortable there.
But I did not feel comfortable because of the place.
I felt comfortable because I was there with my parents and my siblings.

Then, I knew that they are my home.
I used to distance myself from my parents and siblings back when I was younger.
Now, all I want to do is to be with them,
to tell my problems to my mom,
to listen to her advice,
and my youngest sister's laughter and babbling felt like home to me.

The older I get, the more I look forward to going home and spend my time with my family.
I am slowly becoming a family person.
Is this what aging and living abroad for years do to people?

So, I found my home.
And I hope you do too, someday.

A snippet of where I grew up.
Photos were taken with my Nikon Zoom 310 AF point and shoot.